The summer of 2026 wasn't a complete loss — at least there are tomatoes

Did your tomatoes come in this year? Yes? A bountiful crop? That's too bad, because wastewater from cooling the giant AI data centers being built all over the country has gotten into the national aquifer, and the flesh of tomatoes is particular adept at soaking up microplastics and neurotoxins. Best to let them rot on the vine this year or, better yet, dig a pit and bury them, just to be safe. Kidding. None of the above is true — there is no such thing as a "national aquifer" —though at this…